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primroseshowsTitle: Arashi's Rules for when Matsujun Comes to Work in a Morning Mood
Genre: General
Rating: G
Words: ~1,500
Note: I tried to write something humourous. I have failed.
ARASHI'S RULES FOR WHEN MATSUJUN COMES TO WORK IN A MORNING MOOD
1. There are two couches in their dressing room. Unlike in concert venues, there is no regular seating here: those who arrive first get dibs on the nice couch, those who arrive late must be satisfied with the lumpy coucha. When Matsujun is in a morning mood, he slams every door he walks through; the rest of Arashi have five door-slams to vacate the nice couch, place both cushions by the left armrest, and clean up the coffee table. The fifth slam comes and Matsujun storms in, baseball cap pulled tight over his eyes. He dumps his bag on the coffee table and flops down on the nice couch, face in the perfectly placed cushions. If he falls asleep, the rest of Arashi can take a breath and relax, and Nino can play his DS as long as the volume is turned off. If he does not fall asleep, they must stay perfectly quiet until he does. They are not allowed to talk to or touch Jun at all until Jun lifts his face out of the cushions.
a. In the past, there had been a petition among Arashi members asking staff to replace the lumpy couch, but as they ended up with a grand total of five signatures, their request was ignored. Nino then took it upon himself to get more signatures using his "own means," but when he realized how successful his own means were ("It's not extortion if they're totally willing! Anyway it's just Hey!Say!Jump. They'll stop crying soon.") and the increasing length of the petition, he'd crossed out the original title and replaced it with People who want Ninomiya Kazunari to get a free copy of Dragon Quest X when it is released. He sent it to Square Enix in a thick envelope and two weeks later received a voucher coupon for the game, as well as a letter from the creator, Yuuji Horii, thanking Ninomiya-san for his continued support. The rest of Arashi forgot about the petition.
2. They usually go down as a group to get breakfast in the cafeteria. If Jun is late, there is a chance that he will arrive in a morning mood, making it risky to wait for him. The later he is, the worse his mood will theoretically be. If Jun has not slammed his way in by the time Sho's stomach growls for the third time, then they will fix up the couch (see rule 1) and then proceed down to the cafeteria without him. But Jun needs to eat, and if he is late, and in a morning mood, he will be too angry to get food for himself. Aiba will pick up a meal of miso soup, a fruit salad, a bowl of pork ramen and a large cup of coffeeb and bring it back to their break room for him.
b. The meal that Aiba prepared for Jun had actually been learned by trial and error. Jun is sensitive, and giving him the wrong food can actually worsen his mood. One time Aiba brought him some pancakes; Jun had tossed them, plate and all, into the trash can with a fury reserved for KAT-TUN beating Arashi in CD sales. Another time Aiba had been the last to finish eating and forgot to get Jun's meal in his hurry to get back in time; the look on Jun's face when Aiba came in empty-handed still haunts Aiba's nightmares to this day. If he is asked what in the world made him shudder like that, Aiba will blame it on aggressive kangaroos.
3. It's easiest if Jun is still asleep when they make their way back into the room -- then they can just hang out (quietly, see rule 1) until he wakes up -- but nine out ten times he will be awake. When he is awake, Ohno is sent in to test the watersc. If Jun greets him good morning, then the other three feel safer venturing inside. If Jun barely lifts up his head to look at Ohno, then the three of them sit outside until Ohno lets them know it's alright to go in. It's not so much a matter of fearing that Jun will tear them into pieces (although it is), but the one thing that Jun hates more than being in a morning mood is being caught in a morning mood: he knows that he's being unpleasant and doesn't want to be, but he can't help it -- in the mornings Matsumoto Jun just despises each and every living thing. So them waiting outside is sort of a kindness; it gives Jun some time to pull himself together (and them to stay alive). If Jun does not pull himself together and Ohno deems it too dangerous to further expose himself to the volatile environment, then he will return outside and sit with the others until Jun himself yells at them to get the hell in here, you retards, I'm not going to hurt you or anything. Jun thinks it's obvious that he was never going to hurt them in the first place, but the rest of Arashi are not so sured.
c. Strictly speaking, no one was exempt from the reach of Jun's temper, but the ranking of the people Jun was most lenient towards to least is: Ohno, Sho, Aiba, then Nino. Jun actually tries to break through his bad mood to be pleasant to Ohno, which was something not only the members have learned to take advantage of, but the managers too. Ohno was the one sent in to hand Jun his day schedule. Ohno was the one to gently remind Jun that there are people waiting for them, and he'll feel better soon, if he'll just get off the couch. If Jun was asleep and absolutely needed to be woken up, Ohno was the one to tap him on the shoulder. It works well that Ohno has the best reflexes in Arashi.
d. Aiba has a scar on his right shoulder blade. It's incredibly faint and no one except the members of Arashi know it's there, but upon close inspection, the indentation very, very, very slightly resembles a pattern on one of Matsujun's ringse.
e. Jun was half-asleep when he gave Aiba that scar (Aiba had violated rule 3 -- he tried to wake Jun and Aiba did not have Ohno's reflexes). He maintains that it's a scar Aiba got from something else, "I don't know, from being Aiba. It wasn't me, okay?"
4. There are rare times when nothing can be done to break Jun out of his morning mood. The others have followed the correct procedure exactly, and Nino has actually turned off his DS when Jun slammed in. Upon their return from the cafeteria, they have found that Jun was indeed sitting up, though his eyes were closed. Because his eyes were closed, Jun does not greet Ohno good morning, but does not scowl either, so Ohno has waved the other three in. Aiba has brought Jun his breakfast and placed it gingerly on the coffee table, but Jun is still keeping his eyes closed, sitting perfectly still on the nice couch, not reacting to anything. It has scared the others, and they have retreated outside the room to do rock-paper-scissors to see who will talk to Jun. Sho loses because Sho always picks rock firstf. Sho has to call upon emergency procedures: doing something stupid to make Jun laugh.
Sho's options are the following: physical humour and/or an impression. Sho spends many minutes mulling over what to do. Ohno and Aiba and Nino don't tell him that it really doesn't matter what he does, the fact that he will do it is already funny enough. Sho heads inside with a purpose and does a bad impression. Jun laughs because it's so bad, and Sho laughs too because even Sho will admit that his impressions are horrible, and this is the cue for the rest of Arashi to jump in, making fun of Sho, and this is the cue for the managers that it is finally okay to get the day started.
f. Ten years in this group and Sho really should learn not to pick rock first, but the thing is that he doesn't realize he's doing it, his hand already shaping into a fist, until it's too late. This bad habit has cost him a lot: he is the one to do aerial stunts, he is the one to model embarrassing positions on national television, and he has treated Nino to dinner more times than he can count. Sometimes Nino and Sho don't even eat together; Nino just hands Sho the receipt the next day and Sho takes out his wallet.
5. If Matsujun comes into work drunk, then all rules are forfeit.
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Date: 2009-01-06 02:13 am (UTC)Sho. Rock. RECEIPT. *dies*
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Date: 2009-01-07 05:20 am (UTC)Thanks for your comment!! <333
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Date: 2009-01-06 02:19 am (UTC)Things that jogged my funnybone:
...Nino is probably Dragon Quest's best source of advertisement, considering that he's not getting paid a dime for it.
...Ohno being the pseudo-scapegoat when ppl don't want to annoy MatsuJun.
...Sho being the real scapegoat when ppl don't want to annoy MatsuJun.
...Actually just Sho being the scapegoat for everything Arashi doesn't want to do XDD
I-I kinda want to know what the procedure is when Jun comes in drunk now ^_^~
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Date: 2009-01-07 05:22 am (UTC)Thanks for reading and commenting!!
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Date: 2009-01-08 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-09 04:18 am (UTC)Thank you for reading!!
ps. added back! Hi. :)
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Date: 2009-02-26 08:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-26 03:32 pm (UTC)I think I love the footnotes the best, possibly because they're so straight-forward and matter-of-fact about the most random things that I can't help but bust out laughing.
I also thoroughly enjoyed the kangaroo reference. :3
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Date: 2009-02-27 03:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-02 12:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-06 01:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-23 10:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-23 10:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-25 05:17 am (UTC)WHO DOESN'T♥
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Date: 2009-10-21 11:34 pm (UTC)(But sometimes I fear that I might love your Sho more. But it's Nino's sharp mouth and humor and keeps me from doing otherwise)
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Date: 2009-10-23 12:36 am (UTC)Thank youuu~
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Date: 2010-09-19 09:26 pm (UTC)pretty funny, thanks for sharing. ^_^
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Date: 2010-09-21 11:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-06 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-08 03:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-13 01:39 pm (UTC)This cracked me up so hard. I loved how the members side step morning mood!Jun. And how even Nino's kind of scared of him. And poor poor Sho - for all his smarts, he's really kind of clueless isn't he? And receipt. NINO. <3
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Date: 2011-03-02 12:54 am (UTC)Anyway, comments to old fic are always the best, so thank you very much! I'm happy you liked it. :) And I'm flattered you read it multiple times too haha ♥
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Date: 2011-03-25 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-28 12:18 am (UTC)