primroseshows: made by me (Default)
[personal profile] primroseshows
Obviously that New Year's resolution I made needs a little more effort. Posting WIPs took a lot more effort than I expected because they are all still long things and long things need to be organized, and that takes time. It felt good to share, but it was also frustrating to me, like, "if this is never getting finished, why am I putting so much effort to post the damn thing at all? It would be easier to just let it gather dust in the back of your own mind." But I don't want that either.

I think the reason that it's taking me so long to write fics these days is that I no longer seem to have the capability to write a "simple" fic. "Simple" meaning a story with one central point to it. Nowadays, I've got to wrap that one central point in this frayed wreck of a plot, layers upon layers of fluff and linked threads and while this is actually what I like doing with a story, I realize that I'm getting pulled down by all of the process and I've still got nothing to show for it. Lack of time is not a good excuse anymore, because I should have learned how to manage my schedule by now (though I haven't, fmlll). I'm not productive, I'm not prolific, and it's driving me crazy that I'm not posting at all anymore. I don't like submitting unfinished fics and I don't like submitting fics I've written that I think are boring, but I feel like by holding myself so strictly, I'm degenerating as a fic writer. I feel like this journal is rotting, and I want it to be fun again. Cast off the shackles of past formality! Experiment! Don't like what you're reading? Tell me about it or click the shit out of that back button, I'm cool with both!

Anyway, all this to say that I'm now adopting a "Hey, why the hell did you write this? -- BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY" mindset. Still going to post WIPs when I feel like it, but I'm also going to write more new stuff too. Will probably be crap to the nth degree, but hey, maybe I'll finally learn how to write a real drabble.

Show business being what it is, networking at the occasional well-attended party is actually part of 2PM’s job description. Sometimes it’s fun; often it’s tiresome when all they want to do is find a flat surface to lie on and close their eyes for as long as it takes to die. Wooyoung can tell today’s going to be a bad idea as soon as the van slides open and Khun slides inside, still in full commercial make-up, lips pursed, brows dark. He says hello to Minjae hyung only and immerses himself in his iPhone for the rest of the drive back home. Wooyoung should probably say something, but Khun angry – really angry – is like a sticking your hand in a block of freshly sharpened knives. All the members had learned this the hard way.

They pick up Junho and Junsu and Chansung from the dorm and Junho surreptitiously tilts his head at Khun while looking at Wooyoung and Taec in the backseat for an explanation. Wooyoung shrugs, Taec shakes his head. Khun taps viciously on his phone.

At the club, Khun pours three shots down his throat before Chansung’s finished his second; this means something, and Wooyoung’s not sure he likes it. Taec and Junsu move off to chat with some older looking women who probably choreograph for half a dozen girl groups between them. Chansung and Junho head to the dance floor because they’ve had no schedules today and actually have energy to move. Wooyoung is caught wondering if he should join them, but Khun is pouring himself a fourth drink so Wooyoung decides to stay.

“Hyung,” Wooyoung says ten minutes later, when Khun has yet to say a single word to him.

“I’m just tired,” Nichkhun replies immediately, lips curling downwards a bit. He stares at his glass like it’s lecturing him about something distasteful.

“Okay,” Wooyoung says.

The night’s wasted.

Junho and Chansung collapse drunkenly on the couch bed as soon as they return home, so after Wooyoung’s brushed his teeth and washed off his day’s sweat, he grabs his blanket and pillow from under Junho’s comatose body and heads to Khun’s room.

Khun’s still up, sitting in his bed with his back to the door. Coming into the room, Wooyoung can clearly see what is displayed on his laptop screen.

Lines of text underscore pictures of Jay’s recent face, back in Korea and smiling, at the airport being greeted by a sea of fans, posing for a magazine. Nichkhun’s only looking at the pictures; Wooyoung’s not surprised. Even if Khun could easily read the articles, that sort of information causes more harm than good.

It’s not that they think Jay should have stayed in America. Wooyoung loves Jay, resents him underneath that love, but still loves him. He wants Jay to be okay, whatever he’s doing. But 2PM had cut him off, like an arm at the shoulder, and him coming back... it’s hard, that’s all. It’s hard to deal with. It hadn’t been a clean cut, though they’d tried their best.

“The interviewer today asked about him,” Nichkhun murmurs, after turning around to glance at Wooyoung. “Close the door, please.”

Wooyoung closes the door. “Sounds gross. Was it very bad?”

“She was kind of persistent, yeah.”

“Hm,” Wooyoung says, as sits on the edge of Khun’s bed.

“When’s it going to finally get better, do you think?” Khun asks him, pushing his palms across his face.

“No clue,” Wooyoung blows air into a cheek. He thinks about how hard it is for messy wounds to heal, and how they leave ugly scars.

“We’ll see him again one day.” This is said so flatly that Wooyoung can’t tell if Khun sounds sad or not, but he thinks that if he had to guess, he would say yes. Khun is sad. Tired about being sad. Sad about being tired. Someone had prodded at Khun’s thinly covered, barely healing scar and had let out all the blood again. Of course it hurt.

“Maybe,” Wooyoung allows. “You know, the company—”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, sorry,” Khun mutters, cutting him off and reaching a hand out for Wooyoung’s cheek.

The kiss is not nice. Their lips meet with their mouths open and Khun’s tongue is already lashing, trying to scoop out words that Wooyoung hasn’t yet said. Fuck, Wooyoung thinks. Fuck, yeah. Khun drags him closer so quickly it’s startling, but Wooyoung allows it, wants it badly as if he’s a switch being flipped on: one second he’s feeling bad about everything and the next he’s fucking ecstatic, because Khun like this (pained, uncertain, frustrated), with his long, pale fingers a vice on Wooyoung’s arms, his hot breath liquid in Wooyoung’s throat, is one of the most beautiful things in Wooyoung’s life.

He’s a horrible person, he knows. Wooyoung hates to see Khun unhappy in any way, but he can’t help that deep, dark place inside himself where he covets it, seeing Khun lose control of his sensibility. It’s a rare thing. Usually Khun is so mild-mannered, calm and polite to a fault, his touch on Wooyoung’s skin gentle and patient. But this Khun, now Khun, he wants distraction, he wants to forget about things, and he’s not above being a bit too harsh, a bit too strong with Wooyoung to do it. There is all this fire stored underneath Khun’s white skin and if (when) he lets it out, in moments like this, after a long day and longer night, Wooyoung thinks it’s an amazing thing to experience.

Nichkhun tastes like alcohol and antagonism. Like a delicacy you know is bad for you.

Too fast, Wooyoung wants to gasp, as Khun twists upwards and pushes Wooyoung onto his back on the bed. Then he’s being covered, smothered down by Khun’s chest and arms and legs, his hips pinning down Wooyoung’s, rubbing relentlessly through the fabric of their pyjama pants, all the while biting at Wooyoung’s mouth like Khun’s been starving for years.

“It was supposed to get easier,” Khun whispers, lips scraping Wooyoung’s raw from the outside while his words scrape him raw inside too. Wooyoung imagines being hollow, imagines swallowing Nichkhun’s voice instead of air.

“I know,” Wooyoung replies, clutching Khun tighter to him. “It’s stupid.”

Khun buries his face in Wooyoung’s neck – Wooyoung feels the scrape of teeth against the tense cords of his shoulder, then a tongue lapping up the trail. Wooyoung pushes a hand into Khun’s hair and squeezes his eyes shut, hating himself for how much he’s enjoying this, even though Khun’s hurting and even though Wooyoung would be hurting too, if he let himself think about things. But Wooyoung won’t. Not with Khun heavy and solid on top of him, his erection hot against Wooyoung’s. People who call Khun feminine, they’re idiots, they don’t know a thing. Khun is not soft, not dainty. He knows how to get what he wants, and what’s incredible to Wooyoung is how often Khun holds himself back.

Like now.

Like now, when Wooyoung feels like he’s burning from the inside out, and Khun drops his forehead against Wooyoung’s wrinkled one so they can spread sweat across each other’s skin, pant against each other’s mouths. Their hips are working furiously, hands clenching wrists like lifelines, legs tangled, desperate to reach something that will mark any kind of ending.

Wooyoung is afraid that Khun is looking for some kind of absolution. He won’t find it in Wooyoung.

“We’ll stick through it,” Wooyoung tells him, catching Khun’s ear lobe with his tongue. “We’ll keep going, and so will he, and when we see him again, it’ll be hard, but we don’t die or anything.”

Khun bites his lips as he comes and Wooyoung hears the thick moan that is suppressed within.

Wooyoung bares his throat and Khun presses his teeth against it again, not hard enough to leave a mark, but enough to sting, and Wooyoung feels him mouth something, but Wooyoung can’t tell what, but it’s too late, because one of Nichkhun’s hands slide down his wrist to lace their fingers together, and then lights are bursting behind Wooyoung’s eyelids and he’s done.

Afterwards, Khun apologizes for being so rough. There is genuine regret in his voice and he sounds more tired than ever. Wooyoung would be insulted that getting Khun off apparently did nothing for the guy’s mood, but he knows Khun better than that. The anger is gone. The storm’s over.

Until next time.

“One hundred years later, this will all be behind us,” Wooyoung jokes, and Khun smiles absently while he pulls the covers over them both, holding Wooyoung’s hand until he falls asleep.

la la la it's not 12 if i don't look at the clock la la dee da

Date: 2011-03-02 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Whoa. Whoa. This was gorgeous. Angry!Khun is so rarely done in fic, even though he definitely has a temper, and I love how Wooyoung wanted that anger, though doing so made him feel like a bastard. Great dynamics here, and I liked the delicate handling of Wooyoung's feelings toward Jay. They're probably very accurate. :?

Loved it!

Date: 2011-03-02 05:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh man you know what, I read that Men's Health interview featuring Khun and he really tries so hard to show his so-called manly side, but his face makes it more difficult than he deserves. I think it's hard for people who've never met him to judge him based on his cutesy face (I am guilty of this as well), but I've always seen him as someone who you realize -- if you hung around him for more than like... five minutes -- is quite capable of taking care of himself, and being angry or resentful, and other normal people stuff. IDK. To be honest I was in a weird mood today -- energetic but not exactly happy about anything (so much homework sob T___T) and started writing this with no goal in mind, and then... yeah. x__x

what i mean to say is that i love angry!khun

Anyway, your comment is stellar, it made me feel loads better about everything in general. And damn you are fast! Thank youuu ♥♥♥
Edited Date: 2011-03-02 05:10 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-03-02 05:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hehe, yeah, when it's KhunYoung, I pretty much devour it as quickly as possible. I actually read it twice before commenting.

Yes, I agree about Khun. He is very nice and polite and gentle, but I think when he gets angry, he gets very angry. He seems like a mix of fire and ice, to be clich├ęd; I have an idea that his anger is quite cold and yet burns itself out fairly quickly.

Date: 2011-03-02 05:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
who could blame you tho

I think you're absolutely right with that analogy. :O

gdi i have no khunyoung icons what is the matter with me

Date: 2011-03-02 11:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i TOTALLY know what you mean. i can't write drabbles... not that i could do that in the first place but i'm trying to get back on my authoring feet so i wish i could do shorter pieces instead of epics that span years and a few thousand leagues of geography. remix helps me a lot. i can actually write a fic in less than 5000 words because the plot and setting is ALREADY THERE and i don't go trigger-happy constructing my own world and all that crap.

i miss you babe. sorry i can't read that fic, i have no idea who they are. XD

Date: 2011-03-04 04:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
T_____T Lydia you know me so well, those are my problems exactly! Plot-happy is probably the correct word for me. Your fics are much more epic than mine, so I was amazed at all you managed to get done in such a short amount of time. Remixes, eh? That's always a good idea, but I'm not so good with deadlines... ughhhh fjdsalfks

I miss you too. I hope you're doing well with everything, and that you and your hilarious hubby are taking good care of each other. :')

Date: 2011-03-04 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY" i love this as a response to anything in life.

Date: 2011-03-04 04:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
seriously, i should tattoo it on myself so i don't feel like such a loser all the time

Date: 2011-03-04 04:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
tattoo it backwards on my forehead so it's the first thing i see every morning

Day 2345: "God, why did I get this fucking tattoo again?" -- and the answer is staring me right in the face

Date: 2011-03-04 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Or maybe on your knuckles so people can see it right before you punch them in the face.

Date: 2011-03-04 04:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

tongue: FUCK
right fist: YOU
stomach: THAT'S
pinky toe: WHY

Date: 2011-03-04 05:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Tattooing "FUCK" on your tongue huh?

Date: 2011-03-04 05:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
aw yeaaaaaah

Date: 2011-03-13 10:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
everything about this piece feels so real and close to home. i always wonder how the boys react to those new stuff about jay - the whole apologizing thing - and then this came.
i like how bothered nichkhun is about it - while he's still being silent because im guessing he doesn't want to affect the moods of the others. love how wooyoung is so understanding of him, and it seems like woo got nichkhun figured out inside and out. and i totally love how they comfort each other.

im glad you're still writing :) - i hope you dont mind if i friend you, because i'd love to be updated for anything you write, wips included :P (and your comics are highly entertaining :D)

Date: 2011-03-13 10:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Why, helloooo, Jason!

Yeah, I feel like they would have had a hard time with it. Everyone (or at least, many international fans) seemed to be waiting for a reaction from 2PM when Jay resumed his Korean activities, and there was just... nothing. Maybe that was the better thing to do, business-wise, but I think they would have felt shitty about everything behind the scenes.

Thanks for reading and commenting! You are most definitely welcome to friend me; I'm trying to make more of an effort to post fics rather than just whine about school, lol. The fics I now post on this journal are the more "casual" ones, so ones I don't really spend much (or any) time revising, whereas I keep my fic community for more coherent, put-together stories. If you don't mind that, then I welcome you with open arms. ♥

Date: 2011-03-13 10:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i guess its better that they stay silent to avoid another scandal blowing up, but that must be hard for them, seeming like they dont care like that. (i still refuse to believe that they threw jay away .___.)

i love your writing either way, so ill enjoy it whether its a casual or a proper fic ♥
friending you now :D

Date: 2011-06-23 05:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Okay so i found this fic in the very very infancy of my 2PM fandom (which would be like 3 weeks ago LOL) and i loved it but then didn't mem it.

then, of course, when i wanted to find it again i couldn't and i spent HOURS going through inorae (even though I knew i hadn't found it there) and going through my browser history (only to discover it only goes back a limited number of days) and was despondent and didn't know what to do and then i discover that it's YOUR FREAKING FIC.

This fic and that idol army episode with the kissing between paper made khunyoung my OTP.

heeeeeeeeeeeeee soooooo happy!!!!

Date: 2011-06-24 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Okay just kidding, I actually haven't written a lot of 2PM... well, not nearly as much as I would like to. But then, I haven't written nearly as much for Arashi as I would like, either. D:

I'm glad you found this again though! And I'm even more glad that you enjoyed it! fjadklfjasflfj khunyoung is the best, the very best jfsaflk i cannot fully express my love for these two, really T____T

I am seriously freaking out that you're in 2PM fandom now, SO MUCH YES!!!

♥ x 100000

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